Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated. This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God when I’d never cared before, and made me suicidal “for real.”
But I didn’t do it, despite fantasizing constantly, and begging God to kill me. I hung on.
I tried to get help twice, both times a disaster. The first person yelled in my face not to talk about it. The second accused me of making it up to get attention. I was devastated.
I endured five years of suicidal thoughts in isolation, pouring my depression into a diary, watching the world from my silence, which I am now breaking, nearly twenty years later. I have things to say about this and how people treat the suicidal. I want change and will do my part.
And I am very much alive, doing great, and would love to give some perspective and hope to those dealing with depression, abusive relationships, and thoughts of death. This blog is for me, for the suicidal, and for those affected by it. Comments are encouraged but are moderated for respectful tone and contribution.
In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself. Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube. Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]
In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself. I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought. I used […]
If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone. Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking. It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal. So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better. Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]
If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression. During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time. That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]
If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever. You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass. It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]
Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated. This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]