If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone. Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking. It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal. So then why think it?
It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better. Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves others care but just can’t (or won’t) show it for some reason. Maybe they’ve put up a wall of “normalcy” that we can’t pierce. Maybe we haven’t really tried, afraid of the reaction to our problems and despair.
Whatever the reason, this might be called a “gateway” thought to suicide, as we allow ourselves to imagine our death, their grief, and their realization of how we’ve felt and that they missed it all. Maybe we’re mad, too, and want them to feel agony that they were blind to our pain and were supposed to be able to save us but failed.
There’s some revenge in the thought. “You made me feel bad, particularly by not paying attention, and now I’ve made you feel bad, too, and you’ll have to live with that forever.”
As satisfying as such dark thoughts are, they aren’t something to lightly allow yourself. The more you imagine yourself dead, the closer you come to finding the idea acceptable, then preferable, and then maybe one day do it. It’s not so simple as that, of course, and there can be any number of reasons people finally attempt it. But you deserve better than this fantasy.
Imagine the alternative. What if you leave suicide as unacceptable? Off the table? Maybe you have thoughts more productive and helpful. Imagine other solutions. For suicide is not a problem. It’s a perceived solution, one that is rarely in anyone’s best interests despite what we tell ourselves. Don’t self-pity yourself into a death-welcoming mindset.
You deserve better fantasies. And a better life, too. A longer one.
In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself. Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube. Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]
In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself. I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought. I used […]
If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone. Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking. It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal. So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better. Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]
If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression. During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time. That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]
If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever. You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass. It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]
Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated. This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]