Aug 032015
 

If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone.  Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking.  It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal.  So then why think it?

It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better.  Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves others care but just can’t (or won’t) show it for some reason.  Maybe they’ve put up a wall of “normalcy” that we can’t pierce.  Maybe we haven’t really tried, afraid of the reaction to our problems and despair.

despairWhatever the reason, this might be called a “gateway” thought to suicide, as we allow ourselves to imagine our death, their grief, and their realization of how we’ve felt and that they missed it all.  Maybe we’re mad, too, and want them to feel agony that they were blind to our pain and were supposed to be able to save us but failed.

There’s some revenge in the thought.  “You made me feel bad, particularly by not paying attention, and now I’ve made you feel bad, too, and you’ll have to live with that forever.”

As satisfying as such dark thoughts are, they aren’t something to lightly allow yourself.  The more you imagine yourself dead, the closer you come to finding the idea acceptable, then preferable, and then maybe one day do it.  It’s not so simple as that, of course, and there can be any number of reasons people finally attempt it.  But you deserve better than this fantasy.

Imagine the alternative.  What if you leave suicide as unacceptable?  Off the table?  Maybe you have thoughts more productive and helpful.  Imagine other solutions.  For suicide is not a problem.  It’s a perceived solution, one that is rarely in anyone’s best interests despite what we tell ourselves.  Don’t self-pity yourself into a death-welcoming mindset.

You deserve better fantasies.  And a better life, too.  A longer one.

A Public Shaming Leads To Suicide?

In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself.  Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube.  Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]

2 comments

Do the World a Favor By Killing Myself

In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself.  I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought.  I used […]

0 comments

If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry

If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone.  Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking.  It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal.  So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better.  Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]

0 comments

Protect Yourself From Suicide

If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression.  During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time.  That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]

0 comments

Suicide Is Not Forever, Unless You Do It

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever.  You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass.  It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]

0 comments

Why I Write About Suicide

Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated.  This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]

0 comments
Jul 142015
 
Izabel Laxamana

Izabel Laxamana

In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself.  Or so it seems.

To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube.  Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from a bridge.  Police have concluded that the public shaming did not lead to her suicide, but I don’t see how they can be certain of that.

This strikes a chord for me.  When I was 18, someone betrayed me to play a joke on me, trying to humiliate me in front of friends.  I’m glad YouTube didn’t exist back then.  The result was a nervous breakdown that made me suicidal for the next five years.

The point is that screwing with other people’s emotions, minds, and spirit can have devastating consequences, whether that person kills themselves or not. There are so many reasons not to do these things.  We can never know what impact our actions will have.  This doesn’t mean we need to walk around on eggshells, but it does mean we shouldn’t be needlessly cruel.

The father is guilty of that.  By cutting her hair off, he made sure everyone she knew would ask her what had happened.  She’d either have to lie or reveal the truth of bad behavior that led to the punishment.  Both are cruel for forcing her to relive the shame and for not allowing her some privacy with her shame.  The hair cutting offered no escape from the reminder of that punishment, which means that when someone turned it into public shaming, there was no escape from that shame.

People have dignity, and public shaming takes that away.  That someone else uploaded the video to YouTube doesn’t exonerate the father, because if he hadn’t taken the footage, the video wouldn’t exist.  He let this become possible.

The police seem to think she had other issues that led to her suicide.  Well, if that was true, then how can public shaming improve her mental condition and not be a part of her death?

I am angry about Izabel’s death.  Her lovely, sweet photo haunts me as I write this.  These are the people who need saving.

It is too late for her, but maybe if one person gets it into their heads not to be needlessly cruel for fear of unforeseen consequences, Izabel’s life and death can have more meaning.  Forward this as you wish.

Jul 062015
 

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever.  You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass.  It’s important to remember this.

Never-Lose-HopeWhen I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way and was now quite another.  Something had broken in me and would be gone forever.  There was no going back.  The new reality was a terrible one I couldn’t stand, and with me assuming the past version of me was dead and gone, I wanted to be dead and gone with it.

I’m fortunate to not have killed myself that day, or in the five suicidal years after.  I’ve done a lot of great things and had good times, with more on the way.  I’ve also had some bad ones, but life is never perfect, nor should we expect it to be.

The point is that recovery is possible.  People do it all the time.  This is not a before-and-after thing.  There’s a part three, the part where you get on with your life.  The part where you’re glad you’re alive, that you didn’t do it, that you have a better story to tell than one that ended that way.  That’s what you deserve, and if you don’t think so now, just hang in there, because you will one day.  I’ll do what I can to give you ideas on how to get there.

A Public Shaming Leads To Suicide?

In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself.  Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube.  Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]

2 comments

Do the World a Favor By Killing Myself

In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself.  I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought.  I used […]

0 comments

If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry

If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone.  Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking.  It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal.  So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better.  Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]

0 comments

Protect Yourself From Suicide

If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression.  During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time.  That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]

0 comments

Suicide Is Not Forever, Unless You Do It

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever.  You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass.  It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]

0 comments

Why I Write About Suicide

Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated.  This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]

0 comments
Jun 292015
 

If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression.  During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time.  That way, when the darkness comes upon you – and you sort of know that it will – you’ll have made it harder for yourself to go through with it.

The telephone pole (far one) where I lost my soul.

The telephone pole (far one) where I lost my soul.

I was fortunate.  I was only “actively suicidal,” as I call it, a single time.  I happened to have run out of the house where someone had just betrayed me for sport, and when I’d trusted that person to protect me from others doing that very thing.  I had a mental breakdown but didn’t know it at the time.  I just turned and ran.  Within minutes I was crying, to my surprise, and seconds later realized I believed in God when I’d never cared before.

I was climbing a hill, for the house I’d left was in a rural area and there had been nowhere to go when I burst through the back door.  The only real path before me had been a hill.  I was halfway up when I started crying.  I made it over the other side and realized I had nowhere to go, so I sat beside a telephone pole while I lost my soul.

A few minutes later, I became suicidal and looked for a way to end my life.  This was when luck kicked in.  I had no way of doing it except the cars passing me by.  But I was atop a huge hill with a speed limit of 35 mph.  Even speeders were barely doing that by the top, and on seeing me sitting so close to the road, people slowed down even more.  I’d never jump out in front of one and get myself killed, just maimed, if that.

And so I didn’t do it.  It was a horrible moment, having let go of my will to live, committing to killing myself, and then discovering I had no means to go through with it.  A few minutes later, I ceased to be “actively suicidal”, which I define as “doing something right now to bring about your death”.

If I’d stayed in the house, various means would’ve been available to me.  What’s often amazed me is that it didn’t occur to me for 7 years (seven!) that I could’ve gone back, gotten in my car, hauled ass down the hill without my seat belt on, and purposely missed the turn at the bottom.  The trees would’ve taken care of the rest.

If you have access to guns, maybe you shouldn’t.  Get rid of them.  Or ask those who have them to make sure they’re locked up well.  Make a point of not knowing where the key is. Don’t make it easy to kill yourself. Make it hard.  You deserve that.

A Public Shaming Leads To Suicide?

In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself.  Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube.  Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]

2 comments

Do the World a Favor By Killing Myself

In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself.  I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought.  I used […]

0 comments

If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry

If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone.  Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking.  It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal.  So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better.  Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]

0 comments

Protect Yourself From Suicide

If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression.  During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time.  That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]

0 comments

Suicide Is Not Forever, Unless You Do It

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever.  You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass.  It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]

0 comments

Why I Write About Suicide

Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated.  This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]

0 comments
Jun 222015
 

In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself.  I can’t disagree more.

Maddie Yates

Maddie Yates

I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought.  I used to have it (and worse) in my teens and 20s.  I’m now in my 40s and wish Maddie had given herself, and life, more of a chance.  I can speak to how great life can be despite terrible troubles while younger.  And I now have a wonderful son who wouldn’t exist if I’d gone through with my own suicidal thoughts.

This “favor” thought is self-pity gone too far.  Looking at her statement literally for a moment, there’s very little chance that her being dead is somehow better for the rest of the world.  It’s certainly not for her friends and family.  It is, in fact, the worst thing she could do regarding them, which even her mother has admitted as her point of view.  Maddie was not a criminal or otherwise a drain on society, and even if she were, society is a drain on us sometimes, so we have a right to do it right back.  It’s only fair!

But there appears to be no account of her acting like a jerk or in any way being someone the world would be better off without, assuming such conditions exist anyway.  Rather, she seems to be quite a nice, well-liked person that many would like to have known – the very sort of person the world needs more of.  Her statements reveal terrible self-esteem and lack of hope or awareness about not only her own merits, but other options for dealing with her troubles.

She is also quoted as saying in the video, in regard to her impending suicide, “I just don’t see how this is a bad idea.”  This is mental illness talking, as suicide is basically the definition of a bad idea in the vast majority of cases, and if someone can’t see that, they are not well.  If you ever find yourself thinking that way, you need to immediately seek help because your judgment is now too far off for you to be making such an important decision about your life – and death.

Suicide has often been decried as selfish, which is another subject, but Maddie’s claim of doing us all a favor would seem to be selfless – she’s doing this for us, after all.  Well, that’s baloney.  In the end, that’s what the “do the world a favor by killing myself” idea really is.  This thought is a “gateway” idea that allows you to convince yourself that death, or suicide, is best.  It’s not.  There are so many ways to end your life but still be aliveChange your life instead.  End the life you’re living by finding another one.

For confidential support call the National Suicide Prevention Line on 1-800-273-Talk

May you live another day.

A Public Shaming Leads To Suicide?

In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself.  Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube.  Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]

2 comments

Do the World a Favor By Killing Myself

In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself.  I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought.  I used […]

0 comments

If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry

If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone.  Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking.  It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal.  So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better.  Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]

0 comments

Protect Yourself From Suicide

If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression.  During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time.  That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]

0 comments

Suicide Is Not Forever, Unless You Do It

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever.  You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass.  It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]

0 comments

Why I Write About Suicide

Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated.  This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]

0 comments
Jun 142015
 

stopsuicideDue to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated.  This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God when I’d never cared before, and made me suicidal “for real.”

But I didn’t do it, despite fantasizing constantly, and begging God to kill me.  I hung on.

I tried to get help twice, both times a disaster.  The first person yelled in my face not to talk about it.  The second accused me of making it up to get attention.  I was devastated.

I endured five years of suicidal thoughts in isolation, pouring my depression into a diary, watching the world from my silence, which I am now breaking, nearly twenty years later.  I have things to say about this and how people treat the suicidal.  I want change and will do my part.

And I am very much alive, doing great, and would love to give some perspective and hope to those dealing with depression, abusive relationships, and thoughts of death. This blog is for me, for the suicidal, and for those affected by it.  Comments are encouraged but are moderated for respectful tone and contribution.

A Public Shaming Leads To Suicide?

In May of 2015, public shaming led a girl to kill herself.  Or so it seems. To sum this up, the 13-year-old girl’s father cut her beautiful long hair off as punishment and videotaped her tearful reaction. Someone else got the video and uploaded it to YouTube.  Izabel Laxamana then killed herself by jumping from […]

2 comments

Do the World a Favor By Killing Myself

In the spring of 2014, a 16 year old girl named Maddie Yates committed suicide after posting a YouTube video in which she stated that she’d be doing the world a favor by killing herself.  I can’t disagree more. I don’t know the first thing about Maddie, but I know this dark thought.  I used […]

0 comments

If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry

If you’ve ever thought, “If I kill myself, they’ll be sorry,” you’re not alone.  Teenagers are especially prone to this sort of thinking.  It doesn’t mean that you’re really suicidal.  So then why think it? It has a mollifying effect, meaning it makes us feel better.  Maybe we’re feeling uncared for, so we tell ourselves […]

0 comments

Protect Yourself From Suicide

If you’re prone to suicidal thoughts, you’ve probably noticed that they come and go, often with depression.  During one of those times when you’re feeling better, do yourself a favor – remove easy means of killing yourself from the places where you live or otherwise spend time.  That way, when the darkness comes upon you […]

0 comments

Suicide Is Not Forever, Unless You Do It

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it will not last forever.  You didn’t always feel this way, and while you might feel this way all the time now, this too shall pass.  It’s important to remember this. When I became suicidal, it followed a mental breakdown, and I felt that I had once been one way […]

0 comments

Why I Write About Suicide

Due to speech problems, I was isolated and often depressed as a teen, but my suicidal ideation turned serious at 18, when someone betrayed me to play a joke at my expense in front of others who’d gathered to watch me be humiliated.  This caused a mental breakdown (or nervous breakdown), made me believe in God […]

0 comments